Shiny Happy People

I can't think of anything else these days except playing for Follies.  My mind is full of music and costumes and glitter and brilliant lyrics.  People talk to me and have to repeat themselves because I'm so internally consumed by all of it.  I don't have time to write a proper blog about anything right now, but I just want to say that I am shocked and humbled by the number of people who have come up to me to talk about the last blog, "Back in Black".  Not only can I not get over the AMOUNT of responses to it, but what is really moving is the CONTENT of these responses.  What I am seeing is that people respond to honesty WITH honesty and vulnerability.  I am going to ask permission to tell a few of the stories they have told me so get yer Kleenex and stay tuned.

Back in Black.

I got home from rehearsal late last night, looked in the mirror, and smiled.  I looked into my eyes and didn't see a stranger.  I saw ME.  I can't remember the last time I felt this way.  Good God in heaven it feels GOOD.

I feel like I've been in a fog for the past three years, and it's starting to lift.  I contribute this to three main things:  a) good friends who are willing to be honest enough to tell you you need help, b) being willing to take steps to deal with the physical and emotional effects of stress, and c) playing for Follies.  The combination of these three things has happened in a short period of about three weeks, and I say that to say that it sometimes doesn't take long to turn things around a bit.  And I say THAT because when you are feeling like I was, you can't see out.  You can't see anything positive.  You know in your head that there are so many things to be thankful for, and you know that there are SO many people SOOOO much worse off than you are.  And still the darkness sits and you can't see through it.

Which brings me to last night.  I should probably write more chronologically about what brought me there but who cares, I need to talk about Follies because it has brought me back from the dead.  That is seriously how I feel.  It scares me a little when I think I almost gave up the chance to play for this.  As crazy as I am for the music, and as much as I love working with this group of people, I had no heart to play anything, EVEN SONDHEIM.  But both David and Shelley said to me, "Just go to the first rehearsal, just sit and listen and then see how you feel."  So I hauled myself out the door and went.  Literally the minute I walked through the doors and saw them dancing and heard the singing, I felt like crying.  As cheesy as it sounds, it felt like coming home, and that is exactly the feeling I have been missing for months now.  I have been trying to fit into a mold of music that isn't me, that I have no interest in MAKING me, and I am SO done with it.  That isn't to say I won't play a wide range of music- classical, jazz, opera, art song, etc.  But I am not going to constantly feel apologetic for not enjoying playing opera arias.  I DON'T LIKE IT.  AT ALL.  I LOVE SONDHEIM AND OH MY GOD AM I GOOD AT IT.  I felt like FLYING last night at that rehearsal.  Two and a half hours of playing the sh*t out of a piano that had two busted pedals, and I didn't CARE I was so HAPPY.

No seriously, I can't even deal with how relieved and happy I feel about this.  I have been doing a LOT of thinking over the past week about me and The Music Thing and I would be a fool to give it up (as I have seriously been contemplating doing).  I have decided that instead of half-assing it with teaching or performing, kind of dabbling in this and that, not fully committing to anything (again, the whole "being apologetic" thing is very paralyzing), I am going to put my freaking GUTS into being a teacher, and into being a performer.  I'm going to go to every seminar I can, play for as many shows I can, and most importantly, protect this new-found feeling by only saying yes to things that support this new outlook.  Reduce stress, reduce pressure, increase learning, increase self-development, and increase happiness.

After rehearsal last night, at around 11:00 p.m., one of the ladies in the show, who I don't even KNOW, said "Just puttin' this out there folks- I'm headin' to Bernie's for appetizers.  Whoever wants to come, that's where I'll be."  And off we went.  And there we were, a big table full of people who adore Sondheim, who adore each other, who love music and performing with their whole BEING, and who love half-price Bernie's appetizers at midnight.  I made 8 new friends last night, ate delicious wings, and played the best music on the face of the earth.

Then I came home, looked at myself in the mirror, and smiled.

And THAT is what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Color Me Badd.

Except NOT bad "at tall"!!  If you were here, I would say "Touch my hair" and it would be mildly awkward until you DID touch my hair and you'd be all "OMG your hair is so shiny and silky!" and I'd be like "yeah, I bought the sulfate-free color-protect shampoo & conditioner, good times."

I wasn't sure about buying the "smoothing" one because I hate how weighed down the hair feels when you use that crap.  But this stuff?  You hardly need any shampoo, it has LOTS of bubbly-lather-i-ness, and it smells great. 

Love.

Cereal number.

The cereal number is 5, because that is how many boxes of Special K that I now have living in my house.  I am telling you two things right now:  I'm tired of being fat, and I love the Special K Challenge.

Oh, that's right, I said the F word.  Everyone's always like, "No, you're not "FAAAAT", look at your long arms and you're so TALL!" and I'm like, yeah, I am 30 pounds heavier than before I had Benjamin, and I feel like garbage and I have one pair of pants that fits so nevermind.

 Over a year ago, I started a weight loss program because I was asked to, but I just didn't have the time to commit to centre visits and weigh-ins and all that stuff.  I'm more of a Solo Loser of Weight.  I need to obsess and spend hours in magazines and make mistakes and not have to explain myself to someone who's weighing me because then I get "all like":  don't tell ME I can't have a piece of cake at my friend's birthday party (because EVERY time I want cake, I am of COURSE at a friend's birthday party...)


Last Tuesday, after the gorging over the Thanksgiving weekend, I dedided that I've had it with feeling uncomfortable.  I went online, and though I was pessimistic about finding anything helpful,  I stumbled upon the Special K challenge, you know, the one you always see advertised on TV with the red-swim-suited girl eating Special K from a white bowl and looking all lean and serene, and you think it's a load of crap because diets don't work?

 Yeah, well, I started eating according to their "classic plan" last Tuesday, and HELLO, already down 4 lbs.  I seriously feel better than I have in MONTHS- sleeping great, eating amazing food AND LOTS OF IT, have more energy, and don't loathe myself.   There is something horrible that happens when you go from high-to-high eating (delicious PC) chips and (Starbucks Ginger Bread/Caramel Brule) lattes, and that is the lack of self-discipline that happens which turns into fat which turns into defeat which turns into self-repulsion.  Nevermind. 

http://www.specialk.ca/en/Challenge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPJpkgqLQ_M&NR=1
and...
are you ready for it?....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWUBIbsSB2c&feature=related
(Jo, if you're reading, that one's for you).

Is it wrong that I'm eating this for breakfast because OMG.

http://www.presidentschoice.ca/LCLOnline/products.jsp?type=details&productId=prod40006&

False hope

http://www.maybelline.com/Product/Eye/Mascara/falsies-volume-express.htm

http://www.maybellinenewyork.ca/caeng/WHAT_S_NEW/Falsies.aspx

Love this SO much!  

Rain Man

When it rains, it pours, the saying goes.  Since my enormous rant the other night (you know, the Le Shiteau one?  Yeah....) some sweet job possibilities have opened up, and other work-related things have started moving.  What's with that.  There's something to be said for Puttin' (on the Ritz Cracker Jack Black Beauty and the Beast... pheeooo, that felt GOOD) It Out There.

Also I ate pad thai at Quynh Nhi with Janet today, as well as some VERY tasty spring and fresh rolls... it really did my heart good.  Seriously.  You feel down?  Go to Quynh Nhi and get yourself a little treat.  Lord I love that place.  A superb conversation doesn't hurt either.

Can I just go into full time marketing for Quynh Nhi and makeup and shoes and all the other love-worthy things out there, wanting to be raved about?  :)

Notice how the coat featured below has a lining which matches my background.  That's all I'm sayin'.  

RW and Co
Fall 2010 Outwear
"Femme Fatale"

I'LL SAY.
NEED!!