Back in Black.

I got home from rehearsal late last night, looked in the mirror, and smiled.  I looked into my eyes and didn't see a stranger.  I saw ME.  I can't remember the last time I felt this way.  Good God in heaven it feels GOOD.

I feel like I've been in a fog for the past three years, and it's starting to lift.  I contribute this to three main things:  a) good friends who are willing to be honest enough to tell you you need help, b) being willing to take steps to deal with the physical and emotional effects of stress, and c) playing for Follies.  The combination of these three things has happened in a short period of about three weeks, and I say that to say that it sometimes doesn't take long to turn things around a bit.  And I say THAT because when you are feeling like I was, you can't see out.  You can't see anything positive.  You know in your head that there are so many things to be thankful for, and you know that there are SO many people SOOOO much worse off than you are.  And still the darkness sits and you can't see through it.

Which brings me to last night.  I should probably write more chronologically about what brought me there but who cares, I need to talk about Follies because it has brought me back from the dead.  That is seriously how I feel.  It scares me a little when I think I almost gave up the chance to play for this.  As crazy as I am for the music, and as much as I love working with this group of people, I had no heart to play anything, EVEN SONDHEIM.  But both David and Shelley said to me, "Just go to the first rehearsal, just sit and listen and then see how you feel."  So I hauled myself out the door and went.  Literally the minute I walked through the doors and saw them dancing and heard the singing, I felt like crying.  As cheesy as it sounds, it felt like coming home, and that is exactly the feeling I have been missing for months now.  I have been trying to fit into a mold of music that isn't me, that I have no interest in MAKING me, and I am SO done with it.  That isn't to say I won't play a wide range of music- classical, jazz, opera, art song, etc.  But I am not going to constantly feel apologetic for not enjoying playing opera arias.  I DON'T LIKE IT.  AT ALL.  I LOVE SONDHEIM AND OH MY GOD AM I GOOD AT IT.  I felt like FLYING last night at that rehearsal.  Two and a half hours of playing the sh*t out of a piano that had two busted pedals, and I didn't CARE I was so HAPPY.

No seriously, I can't even deal with how relieved and happy I feel about this.  I have been doing a LOT of thinking over the past week about me and The Music Thing and I would be a fool to give it up (as I have seriously been contemplating doing).  I have decided that instead of half-assing it with teaching or performing, kind of dabbling in this and that, not fully committing to anything (again, the whole "being apologetic" thing is very paralyzing), I am going to put my freaking GUTS into being a teacher, and into being a performer.  I'm going to go to every seminar I can, play for as many shows I can, and most importantly, protect this new-found feeling by only saying yes to things that support this new outlook.  Reduce stress, reduce pressure, increase learning, increase self-development, and increase happiness.

After rehearsal last night, at around 11:00 p.m., one of the ladies in the show, who I don't even KNOW, said "Just puttin' this out there folks- I'm headin' to Bernie's for appetizers.  Whoever wants to come, that's where I'll be."  And off we went.  And there we were, a big table full of people who adore Sondheim, who adore each other, who love music and performing with their whole BEING, and who love half-price Bernie's appetizers at midnight.  I made 8 new friends last night, ate delicious wings, and played the best music on the face of the earth.

Then I came home, looked at myself in the mirror, and smiled.

And THAT is what I'm talkin' 'bout.